This is a blog I wanted to start to remind me of the journey I am about to take. How ever long and hard it might be. I know it will be worth it. See I moved here to Fort Mill, SC 9 years ago. I met the love of my life and it changed my whole world. Unfortunately it changed my looks and the way I felt to. I gained 100lbs over a year with easy. I noticed my size 12 pants got tight! So I bought 14's. 14's got tight so I bought 16's...and the process grew until I am NOW 250lbs. I took on more stress, more obligations and another child and a husband I adore. THE PROBLEM???? I put myself LAST! DEAD LAST!!!! My doctor is always telling me... YOU NEVER GOING TO LIVE TO SEE 40! You will DIE! I remember Shelby telling me when she was around 7, " mom can you not walk me to my bus stop, I don't want the kids picking on me because your FAT". I knew I was gaining weight and I needed to take control then. NOW she is 15 and has a weight problem of her own. How can I set a example for her? I haven't in the past, but all that has changed. My son Tristan is about to turn 7 in May. He points out all the exercise INFO COMMERCIALS and says.. " MOMMY you should get that....so your not fat anymore". Yesterday he said" Mommy you can't skate board, YOU WILL BREAK IT" and patted me on my belly. He said I was too fat to ride his skate board. He felt bad and walked off. I felt bad he was so hurt by the fat that I his mother was FAT!
Im gross! I gained weight all over. Especially my belly and BUTT! Hell My boobs are a size 48 DDD. YEP! NO LIE! When I moved here I was a 36C!
I never look at people anymore. I am always looking down. I hope no one looks at me! I hope no one notices me. But the fat is ... HOW CAN YOU MISS ME! IM HUGE!
I went out a few weekends ago... I NEVER DO THAT! Just down at Chili's with Holly and Ivey having some nice Sweet tea! A guy at the bar wants to buy me a drink. No thanks I said... Sporting my nice fat wedding ring and The ring of fat around my middle. Then he tells his buddies why you take the BIG GIRL HOME! So she can make you breakfast in the morning, but you better hurry or she will eat it all before you get up. HAHAHAA LOVE BEING the JOKE of the BAR! HE was a BIG fat ass himself. But it gave him the right to joke on me right?
IT hurt! That hurt really bad. But what inspired me most of all was my SON! I don't want him to hurt by me being a lard ass. I don't want him to feel bad... by telling me the truth! I know he loves me and I want him to be proud. Forget that I want to be around for him in the years to come. ONLY I can change the way I LOOK! ONLY I can set a good weight example for Shelby.
I went to the YMCA today. I pushed myself LIKE Never before. I went a avg speed of 3.3 and walked 2.5 miles in 45 min. IT WAS KILLING ME! I wanted to get off several times. But I just thought of Tristan and how I wanted to show him I could once and for all get this OFF OF ME! Im sick of being FAT, out of shape and unhealthy. I need to move and keep moving. I thought after I got off the tread mill. That was nothing. I could do that twice a day. I could push myself more and more! And that... MY DEAR is just what I will do!
My mother use to put me down as child and say... WHEN you get older your going to be as BIG as me. She couldn't stand being FAT ( a size 18). Kids would treat her mean and people would look at her and make comments. So by saying that...she was hurting me. I thought in my early 20's .. YEA MOM! Im not as BIG AS YOU! Then look at me now... IM BIGGER THAN HER! She is less than 200lbs. People keep telling me how she is losing weight. IM 250! I guess her curse worked. But I won't let it keep me down. I will change my looks and my life. Im changing it FOR ME! Im doing this FOR ME! IM WORTH IT! I CAN DO THIS! I usually hide from pictures. But my time for hiding is over. I have include a picture of me... In hopes of reminding myself... HEY I MAY BE FAT.. BUT I am SURE enough not ugly... hahahah YEA RIGHT! lol
I'M STILL HERE! I AM STILL a great person inside! The pain of my past will not control my future!
Im gross! I gained weight all over. Especially my belly and BUTT! Hell My boobs are a size 48 DDD. YEP! NO LIE! When I moved here I was a 36C!
I never look at people anymore. I am always looking down. I hope no one looks at me! I hope no one notices me. But the fat is ... HOW CAN YOU MISS ME! IM HUGE!
I went out a few weekends ago... I NEVER DO THAT! Just down at Chili's with Holly and Ivey having some nice Sweet tea! A guy at the bar wants to buy me a drink. No thanks I said... Sporting my nice fat wedding ring and The ring of fat around my middle. Then he tells his buddies why you take the BIG GIRL HOME! So she can make you breakfast in the morning, but you better hurry or she will eat it all before you get up. HAHAHAA LOVE BEING the JOKE of the BAR! HE was a BIG fat ass himself. But it gave him the right to joke on me right?
IT hurt! That hurt really bad. But what inspired me most of all was my SON! I don't want him to hurt by me being a lard ass. I don't want him to feel bad... by telling me the truth! I know he loves me and I want him to be proud. Forget that I want to be around for him in the years to come. ONLY I can change the way I LOOK! ONLY I can set a good weight example for Shelby.
I went to the YMCA today. I pushed myself LIKE Never before. I went a avg speed of 3.3 and walked 2.5 miles in 45 min. IT WAS KILLING ME! I wanted to get off several times. But I just thought of Tristan and how I wanted to show him I could once and for all get this OFF OF ME! Im sick of being FAT, out of shape and unhealthy. I need to move and keep moving. I thought after I got off the tread mill. That was nothing. I could do that twice a day. I could push myself more and more! And that... MY DEAR is just what I will do!
My mother use to put me down as child and say... WHEN you get older your going to be as BIG as me. She couldn't stand being FAT ( a size 18). Kids would treat her mean and people would look at her and make comments. So by saying that...she was hurting me. I thought in my early 20's .. YEA MOM! Im not as BIG AS YOU! Then look at me now... IM BIGGER THAN HER! She is less than 200lbs. People keep telling me how she is losing weight. IM 250! I guess her curse worked. But I won't let it keep me down. I will change my looks and my life. Im changing it FOR ME! Im doing this FOR ME! IM WORTH IT! I CAN DO THIS! I usually hide from pictures. But my time for hiding is over. I have include a picture of me... In hopes of reminding myself... HEY I MAY BE FAT.. BUT I am SURE enough not ugly... hahahah YEA RIGHT! lol
I'M STILL HERE! I AM STILL a great person inside! The pain of my past will not control my future!
1 comment:
I can't even begin to tell you how much you remind me of me. How I felt, where I was with emotions over my weight- well babe I am proof that you can be where you want to be- and you know I am right beside you 100% any time! If you need anything- please ask! I did it myself, and I wish I would have had someone right there with me, supporting me, giving me advice, recipes or just to listen to my rants! I'm here- through email, or the phone..you have my numbers!!
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