Too much... Way too much!!!

This should be a post about how amazing my weight loss journey is going. But to be honest, I have been super super stressed. I don't want to harp on my failures... but I did write AL and tell him I would just come back in a year. I need to read my book. Get my fitness on track and just be better at putting my needs first. My mental health is all over the place. I went down on meds and then the weather, kids... parents of kids, watching kids... it has been a roller coaster. My marriage is a joke...Im not in it anymore. Just going threw the motions of raising kids together and that is about it. Im stressed beyond measure and with out a soul I want to talk to about it. I have been betrayed in so many ways the only thing that is left is me being ALONE. Alone from any relationship. Just going threw the motions. Lets just hope they don't take over...

Failure is our topic this week...and catching the next train.

Holy Cow, it was a bad week. Yes, I stress ate...Yes I felt like giving up at times. Shelby being home might have been my trigger point. While I missed her so much, 24 hours after her arrival I was ready for her to go back to school. It was having 5 kids all at once..needing and wanting your ever attention. For each thing I learned about her ever changing life...I felt more and more like a failure. Can't help it, if she doesn't study and makes bad grades...I FAIL. If she smokes when I preached to her the harmful effects and nasty habit it forms... I FAIL. When she does not properly take care of herself.. I FAIL. Each day brought more and more failure as a parent.
To top my stress off, each of my own kids and kids I keep were VERY LOUD, Very Destructive and all around tearing my nerves and the house apart. I kept it together and just wilted away inside. I tried to hold it all back. In the end Shelby lost $100 check my grandma sent her and she some how just counts that towards money she owes me for insurance. Great...see the ripple effect.
I go to train today. Not as positive as before...but not giving up. Just need to get off this train and catch another one going the right direction. I am happy Shelby is back at school. I really wish she would spend the summer with my parents or her father. I don't think I can keep up with her negative touch for a entire summer. I am a people pleaser and according to her its just never good when it comes to making things right with her. Its the little part that sends my life spiraling out of control. Back on track I go...
Let hope AL doesn't chew me out too bad. I think I gained instead of lost the weight of 3 pounds he requested. I haven't finished my book and I have not went to the gym everyday.
Funny story about the gym last week. I went and jumped on the treadmill. Okay I said to myself... this will be easy. Lets do 1hr and not just 30 min. HOLY CRAP I looked down when I was about to drop and it only was almost 4 min into the 30 min I was required. I guess the news was on and my focus was off. I pushed threw it and then stayed and watched the zumba class. I would love to do that class. I am so out of shape.

I should have posted sooner. But I have not had time on my side or a clear thought.

FAILURE.... its in your face and the worst to stare at...

Stress is the KILLER!

I was taken back yesterday when the stress of my life floored me. Just knocked me off my feet.
I never feel like there is enough time in the day. I average keeping ( including my own 4) 9-12 kids a day. Depending on who's day it is to come and how long they are here for. It is loud here, very loud and I have so much to do. I can't keep up with it. I feel so guilty not following the diet and not knowing even what to eat. I have to get in my 30 min of cardio today for sure. No excuses... I have to bump myself up on the priority list or I will never get this weight off.
I am going to have to read a little of the book today and make myself eat. It is 10:14am, guess what? I haven't eaten today yet. BAD BAD BAD ....

If I do not lose 2 pounds my great journey had ended. COME on Maryanne you can do this... push forward, pick yourself up and get this DONE.
( yea, I am cheering for myself)

Side note, when I woke up yesterday my muscles didn't hurt....mid morning, NOTHING. After lunch.... I Felt it EvERYWHERE... holy cow. Yea AL said, I am going to wake up your muscles ...and he wasn't lying. Its on Brother !

~START~ to ~FINISH~ ... and wow its been a long time...

Wow, I look back on this blog and realize it has been 4 yrs since I last posted. I thought about starting a new one, but I really feel like the previous post has a story all of its own.
Since the last post, I have had twins Kagan and Kaibre on June 13th , 2008. I also had another baby boy Tucker Kellan on November 13, 2009. My life has changed in so many ways.
Maybe I will write about those another day.
Today I want to tell you that I want to inspire you to change your life and to stop "starting" and begin a journey that will be the last "START" you will ever do. I am changing the way I look and feel. I started... (KEY WORD here...STARTED) with my personal trainer "AL" today.
Holy cow I am so out of shape. We did a weights work out that made me feel like the fat kid at gym class. I am sure I will feel that tomorrow. Not sure of what everything is called. But here is the run threw. I did up and down on a step bench for 3 min. Then I did a squat against the wall. I woke up muscles that have been sleeping for years. My chicken wing arms burned as I pulled down the weights. My abs jerked as I did crunches. My legs would tremble as I stood up and down. With every movement, I thought Okay, I can't do this, OUCH...Not anymore. But AL's words of 4 more, 3 more... 2 more...ONE MORE. Kept me thinking okay.. I CAN DO THIS!
He told me to walk 30 min on the treadmill. I wanted to quit at 15min and go home. But I stayed, I walked as fast as I could, and I did the 30 min. WHY? Because I am not going to be FAT anymore. I am in this to let today be the last day I START to change my life. The last DIET, I ever begin. This is it...life changing moments to finally see me in my reflection.
I bought the book AL told me to get. " THE ABS DIET" , I haven't gotten to read it. I will this week. He went over diet and how to get in 1800 cal a day. 6 meals , every 3 hours is a MUST.
I have seen the results of hard work and determination first hand in Laura Lee and Andy. Even Jamie... I am going to do this. Failure is NOT a option.
Stick with me and my story and let me inspire you to do the same. Diet and exercise work....and I am going to write down each day ...how GREAT it feels to experience this FIRST HAND.
Al told me to work out every day 20-30 cardio. I have to lose 2lbs by next Monday or he is not going to train me anymore. He also wants me to bring in my food diary of what I ate.
Life is good and nothing could be better than this... I am on a personal HIGH !
Pictures will be posted. Stay tuned...

47.9 % Body FAT... and 286lbs
Next weight in Monday 3/14/11

Mirror ... Mirror on the wall... Who's the best looking FAT girl of all....

You know... once your big ... you always see yourself as big. I hear that all the time and now I know exactly what it means. No matter what mirror I look in " THIS IS WHAT I SEE"!

DAMN I'M FINE!!!!

Just wanted to make myself laugh....heheehe

I almost didn't make it...

I almost didn't make it the GYM tonight. Yep I thought of one excuse after another. But I MADE MYSELF GO! I knew if I didn't go tonight, I wouldn't go tomorrow or maybe this weekend. When I set out to lose weight, I told myself I would not sit back and let one day go by with out going to the gym every day. EVEN If it was to walk ONE MILE at a fast pace. That is what I did tonight. I didn't let myself down. I went and I walked 1 little tiny mile in 20 min. YEA FOR ME! Some how I still feel like a loser!
My friend in BAMA goes to the Gym and RUNS on the treat mill on a incline. She can go to a class and keep up for a hour. WHY can't I? UGHHHH It pisses me OFF!
I know she isn't nearly as BIG as I AM! She is less than 180! GOD wouldn't I love to see 180! She also has a great support group of new friends to push her and go with her. I go alone! EVERY TIME alone. I told her tonight... TO go and leave my family at home was a challenge harder than any exercise! I put them all before me and I feel selfish leaving them at HOME! But I have to do what I have to do..... RIGHT?

FOR ME!


My goal is to go 2.5 miles tomorrow. Even if I take a break between miles.

I will make it a point to start doing my tapes soon too....
Maybe I can save up enough to buy that HIP HOP ABS DVD I want so bad.

I need all the support I get ...even if its from a distance. I won't be alone in my journey.

THANK YOU!

KILL ME NOW! The death of a FAT GIRL in SC ~250

Okay the 5 lbs I was shocked over ... GONE! YEA ! SUPER YEA!
Back to 250! I can't wait to see 240....
I only walked 1.5 miles for 35 min tonight. My back has been killing me. I have something pinched. I need to get that OUT!
But hey after a long day I headed to the gym after 6:30pm! YEA!!!!!!!!!
Its just such a struggle! I watch everyone around me RUNNING for more than 45 min with out stopping. RUNNING FAST AND HARD and I envy them so much. I struggle to walk 2 miles ( okay tonight 1.5 miles) and its KILLING ME! I wish I could go back in time to the moment I let me emotions slip and take over the FAT ME.. the one that KEPT getting BIGGER AND BIGGER! That one moment in time when I stopped being me and started being a person that wasn't worth it anymore. Why could I not see that back then?

UGHHHHH I SO MAD... I can't run at the gym. I can barely do 30 min of walking fast. MAKES ME FEEL WORSE!

I didn't go to my inlaws for dinner tonight. NOPE, I can't be social and it involve FOOD!

So for dinner Im having some good ole Rain BRAN!

MY BODY HURTS SO BAD.... this is over some Lame walking. GEEEEEZZZ

Im proud of myself on a side note. I haven't stuck with going to the gym since I was in bama long ago. YEA! GO MARYANNE GO MARYANNE...